The death of someone we love, a close friend or family member, is an event we all have to face at some point in our life. Learning to survive the feelings of sadness and loss is a process that is normal and usually takes time. The process involves both emotional and behavioral reactions. It takes us through the initial response of shock and sadness, through acceptance and understanding, and eventually to the rebuilding of our lives. This information will help you to understand your grief and give you some ideas about how you may be able to help yourself through the grieving process. The grieving process usually consists of the following stages, but not everyone goes through these stages and/or goes back and forth between stages.
Stages of Grief
- Denial/Shock
At first, it may be difficult for you to accept the death of a loved one and/or classmate. As a result, you will deny the reality of the death. However, this denial will gradually diminish as you begin to express and share your feelings. - Anger
During this stage, the most common question asked is “why me?” You are angry at what you perceive to be the unfairness of death and you may project and displace your anger unto others. When given some social support and respect, you will eventually become less angry and be able to move into the next stage of grieving. - Bargaining
Many students will try to bargain with some sort of deity (God, spiritual being, etc.) They probably try to bargain and offer to give up an enjoyable part of their lives in exchange for the return of the lost person. - Guilt
You may find yourself feeling guilty for things you did or did not do prior to the loss. Forgive yourself. Accept that you are human. - Depression
You may at first experience a sense of great loss. Mood fluctuations and feelings of isolation and withdrawal may follow. It takes time for you, the grieving student, to gradually return to your old self and become socially involved with what is going on around you. - Loneliness
As you go through changes in your social life because of the loss, you may feel lonely and afraid. The more you are able to reach out to others and make new friends, the more this feeling lessens. - Acceptance
Acceptance does not mean happiness. Instead, you accept and deal with the reality of the situation. - Hope
Eventually you will reach a point where remembering will be less painful and you can begin to look ahead to the future and more good times with friends and family.
Ways to Cope with Dying & Death
- Discuss feelings such as loneliness, anger, anxiety, fear and sadness openly and honestly with other students, teachers, counselors and family members.
- Maintain hope.
- If your religious convictions are important to you, talk to a member of the clergy about your beliefs and feelings.
- Join a support group.
- Take good care of yourself. Eat well-balanced meals. Get plenty of rest.
- Be patient with yourself. Remember that it takes times to heal and some days will be better than others.
- Use writing, art, and music to let out your feelings and thoughts.
Do's & Don't's of Helping Someone through Grief
DO
- Do give strength, companionship, love, support and encouragement
- Do make yourself available to your friend(s)
- Do be sincere when you reach out to them
- Do ask their relative how you can help out to relieve stress of daily tasks
- Do be willing to touch them—hold hands, hug, etc.
- Do allow the griever the opportunity to talk. Let the bereaved set the pace and tone of conversations
- Do allow the griever to express emotions—anger, sadness, anxiety, etc.
- Do stick by the griever with continuous support
- Do help the bereaved reach out for professional help as needed.
DON’T
- Don’t put the load of the world on the griever, i.e., “I know you lost your friend, but people lose friends and families everyday.”
- Don’t encourage the griever to stay isolated as they work through their grief
- Don’t support the bereaved to get overly involved in activities to avoid processing their grief
- Don’t minimize the person’s grief
- Don’t offer a rose-colored glass view
- Don’t tell them they need to just get over it
- Don’t judge, criticize or blame the student
- Don’t do most of the talking .
Specific Guidelines for Parents
- Be aware of your adolescent’s behavior. Although they may feel similar emotions as adults, they may express it very differently. Sometimes radical behavior may occur. Students may become aggressive, irritable, isolated, depressed, etc. Reach out to them, unconditionally accept them and respect their boundaries within reason.
- Talk about death with them. Discuss their feelings about losing their loved one and/or death in general. Share your feelings with them about death. Help them to understand that these emotions are normal and expected. Share fond memories of the deceased, the fun times, and how much the deceased will be missed.
- Going to the funeral. If this will be the first funeral for your adolescent, prepare them for what to expect. You don’t want them to be surprised when they arrive. Offer support for them before, during and after the funeral as needed. Realize it will probably bring up more emotions for them. It can provide a sense of closure for them as they mourn the loss with friends and loved ones.
Specific Guidelines for Teachers
Project an atmosphere that is safe and supportive
- Listen, listen, listen…and then validate the feelings of loss and pain
- Share the knowledge that it is okay to laugh, play and have a good time; it does not mean you did not love or care about the person.
- Trust your instincts, hunches, and/or gut feelings about a student and/or situation—get help from counselors/administration as needed
- Don’t judge, criticize, blame or give advice to the student.
- Keep a sense of structure and routine to help provide security and balance.
- Student continues to struggle with sleeping and eating disturbances.
- Student experiences a preoccupation with thoughts about the deceased, including dreams.
- The feeling of loss may seem so tragic and pervasive that the student can no longer go on and begins to have thoughts of suicide.